Unlearning Masculinity: My Journey With Therapy

This piece has been written by Chris Whiting.

I have wondered at times how my life might have been different if I had been a woman – would I be wired the same way? Would I find navigating my fears and insecurities easier or harder? Or would it have made no difference at all. I’ve never struggled with my gender identity but I know that how your life pans out is influenced from the very start, from the second the midwife writes an M or an F next to your name.

It's not a secret that being a man comes with advantages, we live in a society that is largely catered to, and designed by men. It’s important that we acknowledge that, but it’s also important that we are vigilant of the side effects that come with that same acknowledgement.

While things are often easier when you’re a man, that’s not true when it comes to mental health. Patriarchal thinking doesn’t just place unfair limitations and expectations on women, it puts them on men too. Somewhere we lost sight of the fact that ‘easier’ doesn’t mean ‘easy’.

Traditional understanding of masculinity tells men to squash their feelings, to be dependable, strong and sturdy. I grew up in a liberal, open-minded and largely matriarchal society and I still felt that pressure as keenly as other men the world over.

I’ve always felt that I was an open person. I first came out as gay aged 12, and I’ve never shied away from the fact that I have a diagnosed mental illness. But, with that being said, it took an episode of anxiety so bad that I wrongly believed I was in the middle of an active shooting for me to seek therapy - and thank God I did!

Even for a man like me, who was better equipped than most to break out of the limitations of masculinity, I needed a mental breakdown to find help. But, it should never have to get that far, men shouldn’t feel that being on the brink of collapse is the only time they can lean on someone.

Since then, I’ve had different therapists, and each one has helped me to teach myself about myself. It sounds cliché but with counselling, you really do get what you give. I’ve found, through practice, that bringing your authentic self to every session is the only way to lay out a clear path before you.

Through therapy, I’ve learned to believe that my thoughts and feelings are always valid, I’ve learnt tools to quieten my irrational mind, and accept that sometimes I can’t control how life goes, and I can find strength and peace in how I deal with those setbacks instead.

It’s tough to admit to feelings like that. Really, it’s tough to break down the walls you’ve spent years being taught you needed to build to project the kind of person society wants you to be, but finally men are feeling able to take that step. External expectations can be a prison, and it's only by talking to each other that we can free ourselves and be the best men we can be.

In the days after my breakdown, I needed a hero. That hero didn’t turn up with a sword on a gallant steed or walk nonchalantly through a fiery explosion, he came from within. I rescued myself through therapy – and if you think about it, it might be the most masculine thing a man can do.

If like Chris, you’re looking for a therapist who will offer personalised support, browse through our platform to find a therapist today, and take the first step toward improving your mental health and well-being.